Okay, I understand that I'm not being totally PC here, but I was reading a thing on tumblr about abuse victims who lie to protect their partner and reasons they may have to do this, or situations that trap them in the relationship. I know that I'm lucky enough to have never been abused on any level in my life, but I was a little disturbed to find that one of the points on the list was identical to the way I feel about my host family: I've learned how to play by their rules and it's really not so bad most of the time, as long as I don't slip up and cause another long embarrassing lecture. Another one is the "how would he survive without me?" excuse: even though they never thank me for my work, I know that my host parents are pretty dependent on me to take care of their kids for them. I would feel so guilty if I left for any reason.

But hey, I get along pretty well with the little moflos now. They came back from their vacation and all of them told me how much they missed me, including long hugs and clinginess from the girl. I don't blame them for their brattiness. I know what caused it, and I think they're doing pretty well considering what they have to work with. The little one might grow up to be a piece of work, though.

Anyway, I also just wanted to say that I'm really relieved I've found such a lovely guy, because with my temperament and desperation to please I could totally see myself getting into a harmful situation like that and never standing up for myself.

Earlier this week I got a surprise email from my last-year host family saying that they'd received a letter for me. They invited me over to lunch to pick it up and to catch up, so I went Saturday.

I was pretty nervous. Last year when I lived with them I was so lost in my own little MOR world that I basically locked myself in my messy little room to the point where I skipped meals and spent entire days lying in bed knitting and internetting. I've become convinced that they thought I was crazy. I also barely spoke to them because I was so flustered and weird all the time and I felt bizarrely guilty for living in their house.

Anyway, but I headed on over there, delighted at how automatically I was able to retrace my steps, and when I arrived I was only awkward for a few minutes before we were all just great friends. We gossipped about everything from the students they're hosting this year to my current host family to their own experiences as au pairs (both the daughter, who's my age, and the mother have done au pair work). I stayed three hours and they congratulated me over and over on my French.

I spend so much time around my current host family that I've wound up with some form of Stockholm Syndrome. I figure that the problem is me and assume that the whole world is like that and I just need to lower my expectations, but for the third time (German Lara's family, boyfriend's family, now this) I've discovered (and been surprised to realize) that I'm actually pretty charming and people DO usually like me. With my current host family I'm the shy introverted weirdo who doesn't understand the glory of organized sports and can't entertain herself doing normal things like throwing a ball at someone. I'm the loser who wastes all her time on the computer and doesn't care about her own security to the point where she puts pictures of herself online. And yet when I'm around anybody else I feel like a confident, organized, daring adventurer who knows how to be polite and respectful but can also talk for ages on most subjects--in French if necessary.

My old host family complimented my French over and over, by the way. I told them that one of my first conversations with my new host mom had been her telling me that my French was nowhere near as good as the last-year au pair's and that my accent was so strong it was hard to understand me. The old host family all disagreed resoundingly (my professor had the same reaction to that story) telling me that I was easy to understand and they had barely noticed any grammar mistakes. They were all assuring me that I spoke quickly and well and they were incredibly impressed with the progress I've made in the past year.

I felt so great leaving there, even after the conversation had tipped to politics (first round of elections are today!) and I found out that I was sitting in a very right-wing Sarkozy-friendly living room. I'm pretty sure Hollande will take this one. Which is good, because Sarko wants to make it really hard for foreigners to study in France or to get citizenship here. Gah Sarko. My professer likes to say "Si Sarkozy repasse, je me casse" which is basically if Sarkozy gets re-elected I'm getting the hell out. It's cute.

What am I talking about? Oh yeah! So I've been worrying about August, because I leave my current host family at the end of July and the only foyer (public dorm) I've found that's open over the summer is asking for €665 a month. If I study I won't get into a cheaper foyer until September, and if I au pair again the family probably won't need me until around the same time, if not a bit later. Old host family to the rescue! They're going out of town all summer for a daughter's wedding in Italy, so they offered to let me stay alone in their three-story house (with piano, four bedrooms, and an awesome kitchen) for only €300. I haven't said yes yet, but I feel pretty sure I will.

Now I just need to make sure I'm allowed to enroll at St-Denis (Paris VIII) to get my masters and I've got it all figured out!

Okay, update

So, about a month ago I went to Lille to stalk down the MOR Troupette for their teeny reunion.

( Read more... )


Okay, I have to deal with my job for a bit, so I'll tell my second and slightly less-interesting Lille story later.

:D

boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend

relationships are fun

This weekend I met his entire family. They let me join them for Easter dinner and we hid eggs and it wasn't awkward at all and as we were leaving I thanked his (American) mom for letting me be there and she said, "Of course! It's a family holiday!" It was exactly the way I felt at German Lara's house: maybe I'm not as awkward and shy and weird as living with this host family makes me think I am.

Since I haven't posted in a while, I'll say that I didn't make the cut into my second-choice masters program, ÉSIT. I took an entrance exam. I was one of at least four hundred people (over half of which were native French speakers) and on the final list of a hundred applicants accepted to take the second exam, every name was distinctly French or distinctly Asian-looking. I think they wanted rarer languages than French and English. I read online that they were like that, though.

My first-choice program wants a level C2 in French. I'm taking a test in a couple of weeks that'll give me a level, and I'm very likely to have a C1 instead. I'm studying, reading Balzac and daily newspapers, but I'm still very worried. If I don't get this C2, I'll have to wait till September to reapply, meaning renewing my visa without knowing for sure whether I'll be a student or an au pair next year.

So yeah, I'm coming to terms with the idea of au pairing again. Just one more year until my French is good enough to get into a translation program. At least it would be for a different family, I guess... MEGA SIGH. And at least I have my boyfran to remind me that I have a life outside of this job...

In other news, I got accepted into TAPIF (they wanted me to teach elementary kids at a school in Versailles) but since I can't afford to return to the US to change my student visa to a work visa, I had to turn them down.

The first time I bought birth control in France I just brought in a package of the stuff that was prescribed to me in the US, and they read the dosage and found a French equivalent. I paid around €12 for one month's supply. They asked for my name and address.

I went to the same pharmacie a month later, and this time they gave me THREE months for the same price, €12. I thought there may have been a mistake, but I didn't complain.

This morning I went back to get more, and this time? I got three months for €5.50.

THREE MONTHS OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR FIVE EUROS AND FIFTY CENTIMES

I have no idea what the hell is going on here, but it's amazing. And this is WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE INVOLVEMENT.

Slowly navigating the hot mess that is trying to be an adult in a foreign country.

First, I must wait till May to apply to live in my dream foyer, la Fondation des États-Unis, for the summer. Who knows, maybe it'll be like the Foyer des Étudiantes Internationales on St-Michel and be hella noisy at night or something like that and I won't want to take up permanent residence there upon going back to school.

Yesterday I went to a meeting at St-Denis Université (Paris 8) for people interesting in their translation master and ughhhhhhhh I want it so badly my lungs were silently screaming through the whole meeting. I came rushing home afterward to start my application process, only to be hit with a demand for proof of a C2 level in French. Once again, I'm pretty sure I'm still going to test as C1. However, today I'm going by l'Alliance Française to sign up to take one of the official tests (the TCF) and I'm going to email the director of the program and ask if there's any way I could apply if I come out with only a C1, telling her how much I want this master and how I've already done a bit of freelance translation work and my whole future depends on it. If she says no, I can still wait and apply in September instead of May, hoping that a lot of study and practice will bump me up that second level.

Meanwhile, I'm taking the first of two (or three?) entrance exams for another translation masters at la Sorbonne Nouvelle (Paris 3) on April 2nd. That program is called ÉSIT, and is a lot more popular and well-known to foreign students than the TL3 at St-Denis. I don't have high hopes of being accepted there.

I don't think I could stand to au pair again. I'm going to check the visa requirements and see if there's a way I could live in a foyer somewhere and just work and take a class on my student visa rather than doing this shit for another year. Too much work, not enough vacation, and I cannot stand this weird concept of living at my workplace. I never can tell if I'm hanging out or being tricked into working overtime...

So I decided to recount some of my Troupe stalking stories that have happened so far in 2012!

( Read more... )

So. Excuse me while I lie down on the floor and die.

I love this country.

Had an interesting weekend... I went to eat with two other au pairs who were shocked at what I've been putting up with. One told me she left her previous family for less than what I live with.

I just CAN'T though. They would be so disappointed and the kids would be disappointed and honestly, I really love these kids, bratty though they can occasionally be. I'm a little slow to open up and be comfortable around people, and I'm finally able to play with the kids and joke with them without feeling weird. I've figured out what my job is and what my schedule is and how to deal with never being complimented or whatever. It's just a few more months. I told them this week that I won't be back next year, which seemed to SURPRISE them lol wut.

It's not like I'm living through hell. Most days are fine. I get lectured less than once a week, and usually it's about something that's not even relevant to anything. It's like sanctimoniousness gets pent up inside the dad and he needs to let it out at someone, and if the mom is nearby she can't help but join in. It doesn't scare me anymore, because I know I'm doing a good job AND I'm doing a lot better than most people would. They'll realize next year that they were lucky to get someone who takes so much shit. And I know even now that I needed this kick in the pants. I needed to start going after thing I want, standing up for myself, and cooking and cleaning like a big girl. I've learned a lot here, and that's important.

I got my OFII appointment!

After March 15th I will no longer be illegally in France! I will be able to get my health insurance! Maybe I'll even go see a doctor about how I've been coughing since the beginning of January!

You know what's kind of weird? I think I've finally turned back into a normal citizen of the earth. During my groupie days I felt like it was my responsibility to blog about and share everything that happened in my life. I needed you guys' feedback in order to know how to continue because as a groupie I wasn't really doing stuff for my own life, but kind of living just to serve as an avatar for internet people. I was even totally okay with detailing losing my virginity to a famous man because it just seemed normal to share everything with everyone.

But lately I've been able to make decisions concerning my life without waiting for the internet's approval. I would be really uncomfortable sharing some of the details of my private life now because I don't feel like it's someone else's business.

And on a higher level, Vincent over here has given me the urge to start reading again, to remember some of my abandoned fandoms and the things I used to do with my free time before I totally lost myself to MOR. Obviously MOR is still my favorite thing ever, but it's not my whole world anymore. I've been able to develop aspirations and hobbies of my own. As I told my mom, he's making me remember who I was before I became The Accidental Groupie. It's nice. I'm normal again.

Of course, this also means that I'm doing a shit job of being a groupie. I still haven't gotten that floto with Nuno, for instance... but one of these days I'll drag my sorry ass over to the PDS and hunt that man down. Probably. I do still want to see the dernière of Adam et Eve, so there's that! And in May I'm going to Lille to see a concert where Flo will be! Once a groupie, always a groupie. But I'm not JUST a lost little groupie anymore. I'm also a real live human being.

Just wanted to stop by real quick and say that Thursday and Friday went wonderfully for the most part! I played with the kids so hard that both my knees are super bruised, no one fought with me, I passed moments chatting with the grandparents, an uncle who lives in Germany showed up and was incredibly nice, etc etc etc

On Friday the four-year-old crawled into my lap every change he get and ended up telling me I'm his girlfriend and he loves me and wanted me to sit next to him at the surprise birthday party for his dad. Then the eight-year-old was dancing around saying "I love Ehreen I love Ehreen I love Ehreen". The grandparents must have drugged them or something because I've NEVER seen them be that adorable with me. I felt like a super badass.

Of course, things went a little awry around 1:30 am. The surprise party was alright. There were 30 people, about half of whom I recognized and about two of whom I felt comfortable talking to if the approached me first. I chatted with anyone who started a conversation with me, and when I tried to talk to the last-year-au-pair, she told me I was tipsy because I was talking so much. Alright, sorry for trying to be nice.

Then everyone started dancing, so I went and sat in a corner and watching and laughed and clapped. People kept telling me to dance but, like... dancing in front of strangers is not a fun pasttime for me. I feel clumsy and stressed. I spent most of the night texting Vincent, who was at a party for a coworker. The people trying to drag me out onto the floor (including my host mom, the grandmother, the last-year-au-pair, and even the damn DJ!) wouldn't stop, so I went into the kitchen and washed dishes for a while.

Eventually I ended up collapsed on a chair making a sleepy face and wishing everyone would go home, but when I heard the kids' favorite song come on and saw them all rush over to the DJ I got to my feet. The DJ handed them a microphone and I was all happy and supportive of them while they sang in front of the crowd. Then I saw my host mom whispering something to the DJ.

As soon as the kids' song ended... L'Assasymphonie came on. On one hand it was kinda almost touching that she thought of me, but on the other hand I DON'T WANT TO PERFORM FOR THESE STRANGERS. Especially a song THAT emotional geez. And the host mom shoves the microphone into my hand and is like "for six months you've been torturing us with this song, so now sing it!" but I just held the microphone and laughed uncomfortably and tried to get the kids to sing with me but they all refused. I didn't know what to do, but I honestly couldn't have made myself sing in front of those people. I have never realized how LONG L'Assasymphonie is.

When it ended, the eight-year-old, bless her precious heart, asked the DJ to play Ça ira mon amour, which is a song all three kids (including the little one) know perfectly. Unfortunately, it was 1h30 then and the boys were too tired to participate, so the girl held the mic and I sort of sang next to her (which resulted in my host mom yelling that I needed to put the microphone closer to my mouth cause she couldn't hear me). It was so embarrassing. Afterwards I went over to the little one and asked why he hadn't sung, and he kicked me and told me to go away. Sleepy. Meanwhile someone asked me host mom to sing and she said she didn't want to. No one had a problem with this.

Then a man I hadn't exchanged any words with and had never seen before in my life came up to say good night, since he was leaving. I bisou'd him obendiently and then he yelled into my ear in French over the music, "Americans are supposed to be fun and dance and sing. You're not doing a good job representing your country." I was taken aback, but I sort of went, "Ok?" and smiled the way I always smile at assholes. Then he added in English "Next time, I hope to see you do better." and he said good night and left.

WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?

That was just too much humiliation. I went to my room and cried while the dumbass party raged on. When I texted Vincent about it he left the bar where *his* party was happening so he could call me and understand why I was upset and try to cheer me up. Even though he was quite drunk. At 2am. It was the nicest thing a guy has ever done for me.

Anyway, I'm off to his place for Dr Who and home-made sushi. Have a good weekend, Internet!